I didn’t plan to write about this. I never wanted to learn this stuff. But here we are. And you know what? We made progress. Slow, stubborn progress. I hope our story helps you breathe a little.
The messy start
When I first found out, I felt sick. Angry. Small. I did what many do. I checked his phone at 2 a.m. I yelled. I went quiet. I tried to be extra nice, then extra cold. None of that helped. It just pushed us both into shame and hiding.
One night, after another fight, I sat on the kitchen floor and cried into a dish towel. That was my low point. I knew we needed a plan, not more guesswork.
The talk that changed the tone
So I asked him to sit at the table. My hands shook. I said, “I love you. I’m scared. I need honesty. I need a plan.” Not fancy. Just clear.
Here’s what we agreed, right there with the coffee still warm:
- No lying. If there’s a slip, he tells me within 24 hours.
- We’ll work on it as a team, but he owns his recovery.
- If he lies again, we pause intimacy and do therapy first. Not as a threat. As care for both of us.
It wasn’t neat. He cried. I cried. But it was real.
Boundaries that stuck (not perfect, but real)
We kept it simple. Too many rules broke us.
- No phones in bed. We bought a $12 alarm clock. Phones sleep in the kitchen.
- Router filter on. We used OpenDNS Family Shield on our Netgear. Free and not fancy.
- Weekly check-in. Sundays at 5 p.m. on the porch. We use a small notebook. Three questions: How are you really? Any urges or slips? What do we need this week?
- A code word. “Red.” If one of us says it, we stop and reset. No yelling. Drink water. Walk the dog. Then we talk.
Tools we used (mini reviews from our house)
I’m a product person by nature. So yes, I tested stuff. Not all of it was magic. Some of it helped a lot.
To narrow the field, I skimmed through sites like Wild Porn Reviews where real users break down what actually works and what’s just hype.
Their in-depth piece on how one spouse helped her husband overcome porn addiction felt like a lifeline when I was searching for hope.
In your journey to support your husband through his porn addiction, implementing tools like Covenant Eyes and OpenDNS Family Shield has been instrumental. Covenant Eyes offers accountability software that monitors online activity and sends reports to a trusted partner, fostering transparency and open communication. OpenDNS Family Shield provides network-wide filtering to block adult content, enhancing your home's digital safety.
For a comprehensive understanding of Covenant Eyes' features and user experiences, you might find this detailed review helpful.
Additionally, for insights into OpenDNS Family Shield's effectiveness and setup process, consider exploring this resource.
These articles offer in-depth analyses and user perspectives that could further assist you in navigating the tools and strategies to support your husband's recovery journey.
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Covenant Eyes (accountability software)
- What I liked: Simple reports, less sneaky browsing. It made hiding harder, and talking easier.
- What I didn’t: False flags here and there. Also, no tool can fix honesty by itself.
- My take: 8/10. Good when paired with real talks.
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BlockerX (phone blocker)
- What I liked: Strong filter and app lock. Easy to set up on Android.
- What I didn’t: It can be bypassed if someone really tries.
- My take: 6/10. Helpful, but only part of the plan.
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iPhone Screen Time / Android Digital Wellbeing
- What I liked: Downtime at 9:30 p.m., no App Store at night, app limits.
- What I didn’t: You can forget the passcode and get stuck. We wrote it down and kept it sealed.
- My take: 7/10. Great for routines.
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OpenDNS Family Shield (router filter)
- What I liked: Set it once, covers the whole house Wi-Fi. Free.
- What I didn’t: Doesn’t cover data plans. We turned off data at night.
- My take: 7/10. Good base layer.
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Remojo / Brainbuddy (habit apps)
- What I liked: Daily check-ins and small wins. The streaks felt good for him.
- What I didn’t: If he lost a streak, shame hit hard. We learned to treat streaks as info, not identity.
- My take: 7/10. Nice add-on.
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Therapy (CSAT for him, individual for me, couples later)
- What I liked: Real tools for urges, shame, and trust.
- What I didn’t: It’s costly and tiring. But cheaper than divorce, if I’m blunt.
- My take: 9/10. This moved the needle most.
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Groups
- SAA for him. S-Anon for me. Awkward at first. Then helpful. Hearing “me too” calmed the storm.
Books that helped us talk: Out of the Shadows (Patrick Carnes), Ready to Heal (Stefanie Carnes). Short chapters were best on hard days.
While most of our tech focus was on blocking or filtering content, I also looked into ways couples can redirect sexual energy toward real-life, consensual experiences instead of endless screen time. During that search, I came across a curated roundup of dating platforms that specialize in quick, in-person connections—especially useful for partners who decide to explore new, mutually agreed-upon adventures: https://fuckpal.com/free-local-sex-apps/ Visiting this guide gives you a frank overview of the best no-cost apps, safety tips, and boundary-setting advice so you can stay in control if you choose to meet like-minded adults offline.
For couples who live in Arizona—or might be visiting and want to see what the local casual-dating landscape actually looks like—you can scroll through the updated listings on Backpage Scottsdale to get a feel for real-time demand, pricing norms, and safety cues before you make any decisions.
A real week from our porch notebook
- Monday: After a rough sales call, he felt the urge. He texted me “Red.” He took a 10-minute walk, called his sponsor, then did push-ups. It sounds silly. It worked.
- Wednesday: We planned a screen-free dinner. Phones stayed in the car glove box. We laughed about our neighbor’s loud rooster. It felt normal. Normal is gold.
- Friday: He set YouTube to restricted mode. We also grayscaled his phone at night. Less “scroll haze.”
- Sunday check-in: We reviewed slips (none that week), stress triggers (client drama), and needs (earlier bedtime). We added one small goal: brush teeth, read 10 minutes, lights out by 10:30.
Looking back, I can see how his urges and wins followed a pattern; this week-by-week porn addiction recovery timeline mirrors a lot of what we experienced and helped us set realistic expectations.
When he slipped (and how we handled it)
Week five, he relapsed. He told me the next morning, eyes wet, voice low. My stomach dropped. The old me wanted to yell. Instead, we used our plan:
- Pause. Breathe. Cold water on the face.
- Name the trigger: loneliness after a late flight, hotel room, stress.
- Repair: He texted his sponsor. I called my sister and went for a drive. We both owned our parts. No name-calling. No doom talk.
- Reset: We added a hotel plan—gym first, then FaceTime, then sleep. We also set the TV to basic channels only when he travels.
Trust didn’t disappear. It dipped. Then climbed again.
My care (because partners bleed too)
I felt betrayal in my bones. Like I was the problem. I wasn’t. You aren’t either.
Things that helped me:
- A therapist who said, “Your pain is real.” I needed that.
- S-Anon on Thursdays. I cried the first time. No one flinched.
- A “calm kit”: peppermint gum, a Psalm card, and box breathing (4 in, 4 hold, 4 out).
- Running twice a week. Slow jogs. Ugly ponytail. But I slept better.
- A spending line in our budget for my care. Yes, financial care counts.
What to skip (learned the hard way)
- Don’t play detective all night. It eats your soul.
- Don’t compare your body to strangers on a screen. That’s not real life.
- Don’t threaten things you don’t mean. It breaks your voice later.
- Don’t try to be his only support. You’re a partner, not a program.
Boundaries vs. control (a tiny, big difference)
Control says, “I’ll watch you 24/7.” Boundaries say,