I’m Kayla. I’m not a counselor. I’m a spouse who got blindsided. My wife is kind and smart and funny. She also got stuck on porn. It snuck into our home like a leak you don’t see. Then one day, the floor felt soft under my feet.
Reading a story that mirrored ours—Living With My Wife’s Porn Addiction: What Actually Helped Us—let me know we weren’t the first couple to face this.
You know what? I felt angry. Then sad. Then scared. Sometimes all in the same hour. I also wanted help that wasn’t preachy or fake. So I tried stuff. Real tools. Real rules. Some worked. Some made things worse.
Supporting a partner through porn addiction recovery can be challenging, but understanding and implementing effective strategies can make a significant difference, and The Family & Youth Institute’s guidance on this gave me fresh language for those first, shaky conversations.
Let me explain.
How I Found Out (And How It Felt)
It started small. Late nights with her phone. Headphones in bed. Foggy mornings. The big sign? The browser history was squeaky clean, like too clean. One Sunday, I found her phone in the bathroom, screen still lit, Incognito tab open. My stomach dropped. My hands shook.
I didn’t scream. I also didn’t stay calm. I did the messy middle. I cried. She cried. She said she felt shame. She also said she felt stuck. That word—stuck—kept echoing.
It reminded me of the endless loop described in I Lived the Porn Addiction Cycle—Here’s My Honest Take, a read that helped us put words to the spiral.
What We Tried: Tools And Truth
I used a lot of tools. Not just one.
Another couple’s perspective in My Honest Take: Living With Porn Addiction In Our Relationship pushed us to experiment instead of waiting for a perfect plan. I wish one was magic. It wasn’t. But a stack of simple things made it livable.
Covenant Eyes (Accountability App)
- What it does: It watches for risky images and sends reports to a partner. It runs across devices.
- What I liked: It made the secret feel less secret. The reports were plain. I didn’t have to snoop. I could just talk when a flag came in.
- What bugged me: Battery drain on her phone. It sometimes flagged normal stuff (Pinterest bikini pics got flagged a lot). Privacy got tricky; she felt watched all the time.
- Cost when we tried: A monthly fee. Not huge, not tiny. Worth it for a few months, but not forever for us.
A real moment: One Tuesday, I got a high-risk alert while I was at work. My chest got tight. I texted her, “Are you okay?” She replied, “I had a rough morning. I stopped.” We talked that night—no yelling. We picked one small change for the next day. That helped more than a lecture.
Freedom (Website and App Blocker)
- What it does: Blocks websites and apps on a schedule across devices.
- What I liked: Timers. The “no access after 10 pm” schedule helped nights feel calmer. Set it and forget it.
- What bugged me: She could kill a session on one device if she was the admin. We fixed that by putting me as admin. Still, if she really wanted to break it, she could. It’s a tool, not a jail.
- Real example: One night she tried Private Browsing. Freedom still blocked the sites we listed. She sighed, put the phone down, and grabbed a book. Not perfect, but it broke the loop.
Apple Screen Time + Family Sharing
- What it does: Blocks adult content and sets time limits on iPhone and iPad.
- What I liked: It’s built in and free. The “Limit Adult Websites” toggle blocked a lot.
- What bugged me: Power dynamic. I held the passcode. That felt icky. We made a rule: we both hold the code in a sealed envelope in a drawer. Weird? Maybe. But it felt fair.
Brainbuddy (Habit App)
- What it does: Tracks streaks, daily check-ins, and triggers. Offers short lessons.
- What I liked: Quick morning check-ins. It asked, “What’s your trigger today?” and gave one tiny task, like a one-minute breathing drill.
- What bugged me: The cheerleader tone felt cheesy to my wife. Notifications were naggy. Still, even cheesy can help at 11 pm when your brain is loud.
For people who need something quieter, the distraction-free setup of Remojo is another app friends have sworn by.
OpenDNS FamilyShield (Router-Level Filter)
- What it does: Blocks adult domains at the Wi-Fi level.
- What I liked: Incognito didn’t matter anymore. If the Wi-Fi said no, it said no.
- What bugged me: It over-blocked some safe sites. Also, mobile data could sneak past. We handled that with carrier filters, which were hit or miss.
Therapy (Couples + Individual)
- What we used: Local therapist at first; later we tried an online service for scheduling.
- What I liked: A neutral room. A script for hard talks. Our therapist asked, “What does safety look like this week?” Not forever. Just seven days. That saved us.
- What bugged me: Not cheap. Our first therapist wasn’t a good fit. We switched. That felt awkward. It was still worth the hassle.
If one-on-one sessions feel intimidating, engaging in group therapy specifically designed for partners of individuals struggling with sex and porn addiction can provide validation, education, and empowerment in a confidential space.
Tracking little wins felt less intimidating when we peeked at the detailed milestones in My Porn Addiction Recovery Timeline: What It Felt Like Week-by-Week.
Seeing how different sites are engineered to pull you back in, the detailed breakdowns at Wild Porn Reviews helped us understand the triggers behind the screen and talk about them openly.
Rules That Didn’t Feel Like Prison
We wrote them on a sticky note. Not cute. Not fancy. Just clear.
- No phones in bed. We charge in the kitchen.
- Screens off at 10 pm on weeknights.
- If there’s a slip, say it within 24 hours. No long hiding.
- If a slip happens, we add one small support the next day (walk, call a friend, or turn on a stricter block for a week).
One time, she told me about a slip before the report arrived. That mattered way more than the slip. Honesty beat control.
We had to decide whether daily viewing automatically meant addiction; the balanced view in Is Watching Porn Every Day an Addiction? My Honest Take helped us carve out our own definition.
The Emotional Stuff (That I Didn’t Want To Admit)
I wanted control. I wanted to fix it with a switch. I also wanted her to just stop. That doesn’t happen. Stress, shame, boredom, and late nights were the triggers. So we made boring things less boring. We added puzzles on the coffee table. We cooked soup on Sundays. We watched dumb comedies. Small, small stuff. It sounds silly, but it helped.
Another unexpected win: redirecting sexual curiosity away from endless scrolling and toward real, consensual connection. For couples who feel safe exploring outside the box, a vetted hookup community like FuckBuddies provides a space to meet real adults through verified profiles and clear consent guidelines, offering an offline intimacy alternative to the isolating loop of online porn. Likewise, if you're curious about exploring discreet, local meet-ups rather than endless on-screen fantasy, checking a region-specific classifieds hub like Backpage Delaware can show how other couples and singles arrange real-world encounters, making it easier to visualize tangible alternatives to digital compulsion.
And yes, I still felt hurt. I also felt hope when she told the truth fast. That became our signal: not perfection, but quick honesty.
What Worked Best For Us
- Layered tools, not one silver bullet.
- Covenant Eyes for a season, not forever.
- Freedom schedules every night and weekend mornings.
- Screen Time “Adult Limit” always on.
- Router filter at home, plus a “phone basket” by the door.
- Therapy every other week. Short goals, not grand ones.
- A check-in question at dinner: “Green, Yellow, or Red today?” No details. Just a color. Green means steady. Yellow means watchful. Red means “I need help now.”